In areas such as parenting and child development, I often hear people give "nature" or "personality" too much credit.  Nature is part of the equation, and each of us comes into this world with some personality already in place, to which anyone who has spent a significant amount of time with a new baby can attest.  Fortunately, nature and personality do not dictate our behavior.  We control our behavior, and yes, we can control our children's behavior (for the most part).

            True, we must work with our children's nature or personality, but we can, and it is our responsibility as parents to, shape their patterns of behavior.  All we need to do is help them practice the skills we want them to strengthen.  Of course it is a bit more complicated than that.  We must determine for ourselves exactly what behavior we want our children to exhibit. We must observe each child's personality, so we can determine the best method for creating positive practice sessions.  And we must provide plenty of practice time!

Decide how you want your children to behave

            It is crucial, before you begin, that you, as the parent, decide how you want your children to behave.  You can't begin practicing a musical instrument until you have chosen which one you will play.  If you attempt to learn several instruments at the same time, no matter how much you practice, you will not be good at any of them.  The same holds true for child behavior.  Decide what behaviors are important for you to teach to your children.  Don't be too specific at first, and don't choose too many.  Have a meeting with your spouse, somewhere away from the kids where you won't have too many interruptions.  Decide together what your goals are for your children. 

            What kind of adults do you want them to become?  Is it your priority that they behave kindly and thoughtfully toward others?  Is it your priority that they develop into independent people who are able to make difficult decisions on their own?  Is it important that they develop a close bond with and dependence on family? Are refined social skills a priority in your family?  How would you like them to deal with difficult emotions such as anger and disappointment?  This does not mean that they will develop only these skills, but this will determine which behaviors are priorities in your family.   

Observe your child's personality

            I use the term observe very purposefully.  During this stage, you should try to interfere as little as possible, so that you can get the most realistic view of your child.  Observe your child when she plays alone, when she plays with other children, in school, and in various situations.  There are countless books, videos, and even live seminars dedicated to parenting, child development, and discipline.  There is not one right method, because kids are all different.  Research the various methods for yourself and choose one or two or three that seem to suit your child.  The best method for you will be one that is fairly easy for you as a parent to employ and one that your child responds well to.  Once you have determined your child's personality strengths and weaknesses, and have chosen a method of action, you are ready for the next step.

Provide lots of practice time

            Once you have decided what behaviors you want to reinforce, and you have determined your child's strengths and weaknesses and chosen a teaching method, you are ready to begin PRACTICE.  Depending on the age of your child, you may want to even sit him down and explain that you are going to practice . kindness . good manners . sharing . making decisions . or whatever behaviors you have chosen.  For example, in my family, we go out to eat a lot, so good restaurant manners are one of our priorities.  I like to remind my oldest daughter, usually right before we leave or even while we are driving so it is fresh in her mind, "Today we are going to a restaurant to practice our good restaurant manners."  We then review what we mean by "good restaurant manners". 

            Be sure to keep it positive.  Tell your child what you expect of her, and keep it simple.  Tell her what behaviors are acceptable, not what behaviors are unacceptable.  For example, it is always better to say to a child, "we walk when we are inside" rather than "don't run".  If she is having trouble during practice, give her some suggestions of how you do it, and be sure to MODEL the behavior you want her to display.  Children want to get this right.  They want to please you.  They just need patient and clear instructions on how to do that.

Don't practice any behavior you do not want to reinforce

            This is a very important point, and this is where most parents make mistakes.  It is very important that you do not allow your child to practice behaviors you do not want to see over and over again.  If your child begins to exhibit a behavior that you do not like, simply stop the practice session.  This is best done by removing the child.  This can be done with children as young as 9 months old.  For example, if your 9 month old is eating nicely in his highchair and then starts throwing food onto the ground, you simply go over and say (calmly) "all done eating" and gently remove your child from the highchair and the food.  The child will quickly learn that if he wants to keep eating, he must not throw food onto the ground.  (If this inadvertently teaches your child to throw food when he wants out of his chair, try removing the food but leaving him in the chair)

            Most parents complete the first two steps fairly easily - choosing behavior, observing personality, and choosing a teaching method.  They then plan some practice sessions with optimism and even excitement.  Unfortunately, many parents do not end the practice session when the child is done, but insist on pushing it beyond the limits of the child at that time.  This leads to the child practicing behaviors that the parents do not want to reinforce.

            Let's say you have planned a practice session for sharing (please note that sharing is a skill that should only be taught to children over the age of 3 years, as children under 3 years are too young to understand this concept and forced sharing can actually interfere with other aspects of this developmental stage).  You plan an outing with a small playgroup where each child will bring a couple toys to share (not their favorite or special toys).  You have discussed what you are trying to accomplish with the other parents (not required, but definitely a good idea).  You have discussed "good sharing ideas" with your child and then reinforced these ideas right before going to the playgroup.  You arrive and everyone is happy.  Things are going well.  Children are playing together and sharing, and you can hardly believe it.  There may be a couple of set backs, but you quickly and calmly step in and reinforce the benefits of sharing and remind your child that this is a time to practice this skill.  However, as the children get tired or hungry, there is a breakdown in sharing that cannot be quickly reconciled (very normal behavior by the way).  The best thing to do at this point is to collect your child, your toys, and return home.  Otherwise, your child will get to practice behaviors such as whining, not sharing, and possibly even mean or aggressive behavior toward other children. 

            The same principle applies to children in grocery stores who throw tantrums.  If your child accompanies you to the store and whines, cries, or even throws a tantrum while there, you should collect the child and leave as quickly as possible (yes, even if you are not done shopping).  The child who repeatedly throws tantrums at a store will soon begin to generalize this behavior, meaning he will associate grocery stores and tantrums, thinking "this is how I behave at this place".  Practice makes perfect!  I know this is not convenient, but it will be worth it in the long run, when you have a child who allows you to complete your shopping every time rather than just some of the times (the worst part being the uncertainty of which shopping trips will be good and which will be miserable).

            There are of course ages during which your child will be unable to master certain behaviors or certain situations.  For example, we refrain from taking our young children to restaurants that are especially formal and require a lot of time to complete the meal. These children are not old enough and have not had enough practice to be successful at such a venue.  We don't take our 1-year-old to movies for the same reason.  Occasionally, as our children grow older, we experiment with various experiences, but we are always willing and able to remove them if the experiment is not a success, so that we do not reinforce undesirable behavior.

            Yes, this takes time, planning, and work.  Yes, this process may be inconvenient for the parents, but only in the short term.  In the long run, you will have a child whom you can take to a restaurant, a store, a playgroup, or a movie, with confidence that she will behave appropriately (well, most of the time).

            You will do your children a great service by teaching them how to behave appropriately.  As your children become confident in what behaviors are expected of them, you help them gain security.  If you are ambiguous or contradictory about what behaviors are expected, their sense of security will be shaky, as they will always be trying to guess how to act and will never be sure of how their behavior will be received.  They will learn to settle for any reaction whether positive or negative. 

            As your children practice and perfect their behaviors, their security will grow into freedom.  They will feel free to experiment with other behaviors and learn for themselves which ones get the most positive results. They will enjoy positive reinforcement and seek that out rather than negative reinforcement.  As they successfully experiment with different behaviors in various situations, their self-esteem will increase.  Ultimately, by helping your children learn and practice appropriate behavior, you are helping them grow into adults able to achieve balance in their lives.

Amy Edwards has a degree in Literature from the University of California, San Diego, and a minor in Sociology of Early Childhood Education.  She also completed graduate work in the Teacher Education Program in Elementary Education at UCSD.

She has taught at the elementary school level as well as the high school and university levels.  She developed and implemented SAT preparation methods for under-represented high school students through the A.V.I.D. program.  She worked for the state of California for several years educating  parents and child care providers in child development as well as assisting them in accessing state-funded programs.

She is the mother of two daughters, Gabriella and Madeline.

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