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Understanding Each Other by Darrel Edwards When we talk to each other, we rarely use the same
language. We translate. The closeness of the translation creates the
impression that we "know each other." The best translation is to listen
more than you speak. The next best is for both of you to create the same
implications from your dialogue. "It leads to the same place." The following is an attempt to at least create some
common words and phrases that we might use to communicate. The Politics of Emotion and Values CoreValues ®
and emotions may be expressed in a variety of ways, but we have found these
same four basic statements from the Inner Self show up over and over again
when emotions are clustered (when expressed in the crude but effective
measures taken of these emotions). We have clustered statements about emotions and values
from as many as 1,400,000 cases and found the same quadratic structure at
the Core expressed in a variety of ways. The Four-Fold Table of CoreValues®
reflects some of those statements that have been clustered from this very
large sample that spans years of data collection across a wide variety of
topics.
Security/Trust These are the broadest statements, showing strong
relationships with other ways to express our emotions and values and
organizing the other information. The following are alternative ways of
expressing our CoreValues. ® Each different statement has important nuances
that make it different, but when we clustered the statements made by so many
people, we found that there were major core issues. Integrity and Our Inner Self. Our Inner
Self may not develop as positively as would be best for ourselves and
others, and others may damage our Inner Self as we are developing. But .
once we have our Inner Self in place, we will do what we need to to maintain
the integrity of that Space. When the Inner Self is threatened, we may lash
out or fight or flee. We may even do harm to ourselves when we feel that
our Inner Integrity is at risk and we can see little chance for escape. Security/ Trust Here we see those feelings that allow us to feel Secure
or to Trust our world of experience. If we feel safe or comfortable or if
we feel we can relax, we feel more secure in that relationship or in that
environment. We can feel confident and assured or reassured about
our world appearing to be secure . a place we can trust. Secure and trust
are interesting words. Security.
Secure means to be anchored . anchored so we won't be blown about by every
whim or impulse or doctrine. Secure when the wind blows. Trust.
If we are to truly feel secure we need to tie ourselves to something that
is solid . that holds up when things get tough . that can stand scrutiny
and still seem "real." Trust means to tie oneself to . literally being
lashed together. If I trust something or someone, I am willing to be tied
to it or him or her. If I trust you, it can manifest itself in two ways: 1- I can have a general feeling that our relationship
or our bond will remain strong through a variety of situations and that I can
tell you many things that I may not be able to tell another (although I may
realize that I may not want to tell you "everything in the world.") 2- I can
trust you to do some very specific things because of who you are, what you
know, or what you can do. Either way, it means that I have a bond with you
that can be positive and productive . if I am right about you and what you
can provide. Safety
. A common way to talk about our sense of
Security is to reflect on how safe
we feel. Safe takes on several meanings of course: 1- Do we feel physically safe? 2- Do we believe that our environment is safe? 3- Do we believe that our loved ones are safe? 4- Do we feel that our things are safe? To be safe
means to feel whole . free from harm or risk of any harm . free from loss.
In most instances, we want to know how safe someone feels when we are
dealing with them and the genesis of any threat from the world in any of its
aspects. In most of our lives (outside situations in which we are faced with
chaos or war or hazard) we feel relatively safe. We avoid (or try to avoid)
experiences that do not appear to be truly safe.
That is to say
that we do not try some things that may "hold some risk" (in the abstract)
like parachute jumping or roller coaster riding or hang gliding, but we (as
healthy people) will not do something that we truly believe is "unsafe: we
will be badly injured or will lose something that is too much to lose
unless there is a far far better thing that we have to do." Risk. The question of safety is really a
question of risk and the priorities that we set for ourselves. Risk = (Value of what may be lost) x That which may be lost must be already held. It
doesn't do any good to consider risk when talking about "really having
nothing to lose." If what is risked is precious (like our life), the chance
that we will lose has to be very very small. Reward. Risk is balanced against reward
or gain. If the gain is great, more risk may be tolerated. Still, the risk
can't be too great unless the gain is considered above all else and there
are few options. Reward = (Value of what may be gained) x Propensity to Act is not determined by a simple formula
like [Reward - Risk]. The real standard is the Values that are associated
with each alternative in the equation.
If what is to be gained must not be lost, we may even
give our lives knowing that we have no way but to "put our lives on the
line, hoping we may not have to pay the ultimate price." "Greater love hath no one than to give their life for
one they love." This paraphrased and slightly ungrammatical quote may
illustrate the point. A Tale of Two Cities illustrates the choice that
might be made when there is no doubt that we can "have our cake and eat it
too." He who offered to trade places with his friend on the way to the
guillotine obviously valued something far more than his own life. We have
to judge what that something was for Dickens (who wrote the Tale). Was it
integrity? was it fair? was it heaven (to which he might go)? Risk / Reward / Safety / Security.
Feeling safe and secure is an ongoing process that is essentially automatic
. reflected in our genetic code, archetypes, and experience. But . deciding
how we may act is a step or two beyond that. Comfort/ Relaxation.
Comfort starts (of course) as a body
sensation, but has deep psychological implications. Make someone physically
uncomfortable for long enough and they will come to have significant
emotional issues with which to deal. Psychological comfort is a direct
reflection of our sense of security in the environment in which we are
trying to manage ourselves. We are comfortable when we are relaxed.
Confidence.
Confidence is security in a specific context. Although we may
say that he or she seem like confident people, this statement has a specific
situation or set of situations in mind. If we want to create a confident
person, give him or her the opportunity to do things with lots of support
from us. Teach and lead and protect. Make sure that mistakes are tolerable
and then make mistakes irrelevant. Make practice and continual corrections
more important than getting it right the first time or every time. The key
is the gradual corrections as we move towards a higher level of proficiency
in a "forgiving" environment. If we want to create greater confidence in ourselves
there are several things that we can do: Find someone we trust who is good at what we want to
achieve and find out what they suggest. This helps even if that someone is
in a book. They may be very specific about a job that we have to do or be
very allegorical. The Bible or Torah or Koran or
Writings of Buddha or The Tao can be resources. They may be
friends or our trusted companion (and not our dog ... although we could
learn lots from our dogs if we paid attention). Continually learn.
We don't have to do exactly what someone else tells us, but armed with
other's opinions and points of view, we will be able to create our own path
better. Think about what we need to do to succeed at whatever
we are about, whether its in a relationship or in a business. I am
constantly amazed at how often people who want to succeed do not mentally
rehearse what they need to do, do not reflect on their thoughts, feelings
and behavior, and do not explore alternatives with imagined outcomes and
implications. Practice is what we need to do to succeed at times and
in places that do not have consequences in our life. Even visualize being on
the path if that helps. Try to do things in a systematic, organized fashion.
Give ourselves the liberty to continually correct our behavior and sharpen
our thoughts without being our own worst, critical enemy. Pay attention to
what's going on inside as well as outside in every experience ... even the
simple ones like having a good meal or big ones like being involved in
making something right. Reassurance.
Reassurance is the Security that comes from a signal or sign that says "We
are on the right path" or "Things will be fine." Reassurance is Security created by feedback. There are many things that we can do to lead to feeling
reassured: Do the right thing. Have clear criteria that define our success. Look to those we trust for validation. Pay attention to the feeling from the fruits of our
labors. Connectedness.
This is a relatively new idea that creates Security and a deep
sense of well being. In a world in which there seems to be so much
alienation, there is an intense desire for being connected. Connected means being connected to the many aspects of
our world. We want to feel "in touch" with the technology, as well as with
the humanity. We need to pay attention to ourselves in our world.
Watch the news (even if it's rather negative at
times). Read the paper. Read a book. Have a favorite genre. Get on the internet. Watch Pokemon with your kids. Pay attention to the driving experience if you drive or
ride. Do something with your friends or mate or family. Pay attention to how you think and feel. See how your life and the lives of those you love are
connected to each other and their places in their worlds. All those "Chicken Soup" books and "Take a moment to
..." books are so popular because they speak to our desire to be connected.
Being connected creates Security which fosters confidence. Confidence
allows us to act. Acting rightly ... with integrity and honesty... allows
us to feel good about ourselves. Being Connected is similar to but different
from Being Close. Being Close addresses the emotional bond with people. We
can love and feel close, but not know how things are connected in our lives.
Closeness.
Closeness creates deep feelings of Security. Closeness is the emotional
bond between each other. Our desire for closeness is so strong that we will
go to great lengths to keep the feeling alive. Essentially, closeness means
I believe that you and I share similar feeling. Actually, closeness is most securely established when
you and I share similar values by which we set priorities in our lives and
have found that our values match. It is often the case that circumstances can fool us.
We believe, for example, that we are close when we are both in school, but
drift apart once we graduate and go to work. In school, we shared similar
experiences. The key question is whether we share the same values. We need
to do things that promote closeness: Talk to each other about the experiences we share.
Discuss what we like and do not like. Talk to one another about our priorities, our hopes
and dreams, and our beliefs. Talk to each other about our desires. What do we want
from each other. As we become more intimate in our revelation about
ourselves, be sensitive, accepting and honest. Do not mask your needs and desires for true close
relationships with physical intimacy and believe that it is closeness. When it is appropriate, be expressive and open about
our sexuality. Learn about each other and how to give pleasure. Don't
worry about "getting what you need Belonging.
Belonging is a very personal experience.
We can feel we belong without those with whom we belong even knowing about
it. There is a sense of Security in Belonging: we are part of a greater
group. We identify with that reference group. Belonging is a private
experience. They do not have to know that we identify with them, but we
do. The identification creates a sense of Security that lasts. Rock groups;
freedom fighters; religious movements - all can be the target of our
belonging. We care about Michael Jackson or N' Sync though they do not know
we exist. We still feel closer than before. Be careful with whom you choose
to identify - belong. It may shape decisions that you will make.
Affiliation.
Affiliation is the same as belonging with more formal rules.
Affiliation requires meeting some explicit criteria, but the psychological
consequences are similar. While belonging and affiliation both suppose
identification with a group, affiliation can be quite formal. Dependence.
Dependence means "to be attached to . to be an extension of." Dependence on others is essential for a healthy life.
All existence has some sense of interdependence. To deny that is to deny
one's actual existence and create a fiction. Of course, at birth without some dependence we die.
Yet, there is Security in dependence throughout life. That which is to be
avoided is to form dependence that robs you of the opportunity for growth .
for becoming free in one's own right. Freedom means empowerment. Healthy
dependence encourages empowerment by laying the foundation upon which
freedom develops. Fairness / Morality.
Fair means "light" or "even" . "even-handed. It also implies that
the rules that are applied are uplifting. The even-handed application of
uplifting principles defines the basis of morality. Fairness creates security because we decide that those
applying the rules evenly will continually treat me as they treat others as
they apply uplifting principles. When we see "unfairness," we becomes somewhat
insecure. "When will those applying the rules treat me unfairly," my
anxiety whispers to me. Hope. Hope
is the Security associated with the change or stability that has a clear
futuristic perspective. While all decisions are somewhat anticipatory, hope
is that in which we explicitly define a future reference. Freedom There are two aspects of Freedom: 1- The most powerful being the Freedom to act to do
what you wish to do. 2- The other (which can be just as urgent at times) is
the Freedom from hassle and struggle. While all the ways of expressing Freedom have similar
implications in one of the two ways that I have defined above, there are
nuances in how different individuals express their Freedom. Power.
Power is the ability and facility to do what you wish to do - to accomplish
what you wish to accomplish. Power can come from a number of sources: Might - muscle: strength of arm or tool. Right - strength of will - never giving up. Consent - other are willing to allow you to proceed or
even to assist you. Knowledge - having the formulae for success. In our society in the West, knowledge is power (Francis
Bacon). Without some power there can be no Freedom. Control.
Control is about steering things where you want them to go. Con-trol means
"with trol or steering." You do not have Freedom or do not exercise power if
you cannot steer some things your way. How do you exercise Control: Empowerment.
When Empowered, you have been given the power to make things come out
the way you want them to. You can take Control or seize Power;
but you have to receive Empowerment. Empowered means then that you
can accomplish what you wish to accomplish (or at least feel like you can).
Mastery.
Mastery is the personal feeling of having the tools required to do what is
wanted. It is different from Power or Empowerment in that it presupposes
"practice" or doing something to be ready to do what you want to do. There
is a special personal feeling associated with developing a sense of Mastery. Individuality.
Individuality defines the sense (need) to express one's difference from
the crowd. These are usually not extremely separate. They will identify
with a group to be "an individual." What they are looking for is being part
of the mainstream. New vogue: piercing. Tattoos also create the sense of
"individuality." We move from one group to another. Relief. The
second tier associated with Freedom is the freedom from.. Relief is relief
from something that has us trapped. We strive for freedom from the task or
relationship. Ease.
Making one's life easier. Leading another to say, "That was easy." Convenience.
Convenience (much like ease) is the act of making a thing easier. When
you make something easier or convenient, you score points with your friend
or stranger. You are bringing things together to facilitate action. Hassle free.
When making something easier, make sure that you have not made things a
hassle. Hassle free means that there is no added trouble that has to be
performed to accomplish your task. Simplicity.
Make things simple. At one time simplicity was considered a major trend.
It is not. People just want things to be made as simple as possible. If you
can do it without reading a handbook, you have accomplished your task.
Feeling good about yourself is the core definition for
Self Esteem. Acceptance. You
can feel secure by believing you belong. While feeling you belong brings
vicarious identification, esteem comes from explicitly being accepted by
"them." They have to let you know that you are part of the inner circle.
That circle can be quite exclusive. Pleasure.
Pleasure comes from without. It is given to us. When We say, "That gives
me real pleasure." The translation is typically, "That has provided me
exceptional pleasure."? Excitement.
Excitement is a highly charged biological state. It comes from high states
of arousal. It is the step beyond fun. While fun is almost soothing,
excitement is explosive. Importance.
Importance is a complex issue that involves two facets of a situation.
Others can place you in a position of organizational importance, and you can
feel important from within. You cannot truly feel important if you cheat or
"backstab" or defame your position. It's a two pronged process. Respect from others.
Others can give you respect. If you believe that you have earned it, again,
you can accept the feeling of importance that comes from within. Status. You can
feel status if you are put into a position above others, but you must earn
it. Prestige.
Prestige comes from others not knowing everything, but if you were
revealed, you would be worthy. Only then can you truly feel prestigious. Success / Achievement.
While others can give you honor for your achievements, the heart of honor
comes from within.
Responsibility.
Interestingly, internal esteem comes from acting responsibly. Others may
never know but you will. Positive feelings come from within. We feel the
esteem that is generated. Dedication.
Dedicate yourself to a noble cause. You will be surprised how good
you will feel. Noble dedication brings extremely positive feelings. Noble
causes lead to dedication which lead to responsibility and success.
We reach for Balance and desire Harmony. Reaching for
Balance and Harmony means reaching up for all that we can be. It is more
than actualization. It is the desire to have things in Harmony. These words are more difficult. They are more
abstract. They address things being complete and all the pieces just in
the right place. Everything needs to be just right. Compatibility. Compatibility captures how well
the pieces work together. All the pieces fit and work in harmony. Finalization. All the pieces that you want are
there. Nothing is missing. Finished. We want things finished. We want all
the parts in place without missing anything important. Refined. Refined denotes special attention.
Someone has paid special attention to making the product or service refined,
special, or having received special detail until everything is just right.
There are no flaws. Actualization. This popular word refers to
making the most of yourself. You have brought yourself to a state of actual
completeness. There is little that you can do to move forward. You have
made yourself whole as a human.
Integrity. Integrity means incorruptible. There
is no compromise. Detractors are not
included. The thing is complete.
Equilibrium. If you have an equilibrium, things
are in balance. Not everything is meant to be in
equilibrium, but it is a judgment by which some things are judged. Completeness. Complete is a different matter.
You decide what you want and then expect that all the pieces are there -
complete. Without the thing being complete, the competition will clearly
have the edge. We want to have a complete vehicle, with every piece that we
need to produce a winner in the bag.
Oneness. Oneness is probably the most frequently
struggled with philosophical construct that we have wrestled with over the
years. We want to take a much simpler direction for the concept. "All the
pieces are working together to accomplish a single task. Everything works
together to produce the greatest positive outcome." Unity. Unity ranks second to oneness. The
practical definition: "there is one direction toward which all the pieces
are working to create the greatest possible positive outcome." Accord. When things work in accord everything
seems to fit together: things seem to belong together. Families can work and
play in accord. Cars can seem to work with accord. All the pieces fit. Rapport. Finally we come to rapport. It implies
that someone has brought all the pieces together. Nothing has been
overlooked. There has been great attention to detail. A Brief Summary Remember, as we affect one aspect of our CoreValues we
affect them all. If you remember that rule, you will usually know what's
happening within you and others. The emotions and CoreValues have a developmental
urgency that cannot be denied. Simple rule: Everything is connected. Use your language carefully. It reflects the measure
of your soul. Speak with care. Think carefully. Take charge of your
emotional life by practicing care of your verbal life. Practice. Be
dedicated. I'm sure that you have discovered that security is the
foundation. Attach yourself to healthy things that bring security - that's
the best start. If you can do that you will be a winner. |
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