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The
Bedtime Secret
By
Amy Edwards
My children go to bed every night by
7:00pm. Bedtime is a special time at our house, and I look forward to the
quality time I get to spend with my children as we go through our nightly
bedtime routine. When other parents hear this they often make comments such
as, “You are so lucky to have such easy children,” or “Your children must
really like to go so sleep”. I assure you that my children are not “easy”.
I do have one daughter who does seem to enjoy going to bed, but I also have
one daughter who hates going to bed and would never sleep if given the
option. Some parents ask me, “What’s your secret?” I assure you that there
is no luck involved in implementing bedtime at my house, and it is not a
secret (at least not one that I am not willing to share). There is,
however, a lot of planning, hard work, and commitment involved. I also
assure you that every parent can implement a regular bedtime with all of
their children if they will simply follow the steps in this article.
Step 1:
Sleep is essential to your child’s physical and emotional well-being!
The first step is that you, as the
parent or caregiver, must be committed to the idea that sleep is essential
to your child’s physical and emotional well-being. Closely connected to
this is that you also commit to the idea that establishing a regular bedtime
is the best way to ensure that your child gets adequate sleep. In order to
help you with this, allow me to relate some facts about sleep and children.
Poor quality or quantity of sleep in young children has been sited as the
main cause for physical and psychological health problems, mood swings, and
behavior problems. In Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Dr. Marc
Weissbluth states, “You should not assume that it is ‘natural’ for all
children to get peevish, irritable, or cranky at the end of the day.
Well-rested children do not behave this way.” He goes on to discuss the
adverse effects of poor sleep, “If your child does not get all the sleep he
needs, he may seem either drowsy or hyperalert. If either state lasts for a
long time, the results are the same: a child with a difficult mood and
hard-to-control behavior…”
Children are aware when their behavior
is unacceptable, but sleep-deprived children are literally unable to control
unwanted behavior. Not being able to control their behavior is frightening
to children and creates in them a sense of insecurity and lack of self
control. If we allow our children to suffer this kind of insecurity and
inability to control themselves, they cannot build high self-esteem, and
certainly never achieve a feeling of balance in their lives.
According to various sleep studies,
children under 5 years old need between 11 and 13 hours per night plus 1-2
naps of at least 1 hour each per day. From 5-8 years, most children can
give up naps, but still need an average of 12 hours of sleep per night.
From 9-16 years old children still need an average of 10 hours of sleep per
night. Other sleep research indicates that children have an internal clock
which causes them to wake up early in the morning, typically between 6am and
8am. In these studies, it was found that children who were kept up late,
did not then recover the lost hours of sleep by waking up later in the
morning, which resulted in these children being sleep-deprived.
Step 2:
You are in control of the bedtime!
The second step is that you, as the
parent, decide that you are in control of the bedtime. Many parents
allow their children to determine their bedtime. These parents mistakenly
conclude that their children will naturally fall asleep when they are ready
to go to bed. As Dr. Weissbluth states, “Of course, children will
spontaneously fall asleep when totally exhausted –‘crashing’ is a biological
necessity! But this is unhealthy, because extreme fatigue…interferes with
normal social interactions and even learning.” Some parents wait until
their child appears tired before putting him to bed. Unfortunately, by the
time a child is displaying obvious signs of fatigue, he is overtired.
Placing this burden of regulating their
own bedtime on young children is not only dangerous, as they will become
sleep-deprived, but it also undermines their feelings of security. Even
very young children are aware that their parents are here to care for them.
They feel secure when their parents take care of them. An overtired child
may conclude that his parents are unwilling or unable to do what it takes to
keep him safe, healthy, and feeling good. We do not give our young children
control over other life-altering choices, such as playing in the street or
getting into cars with strangers. Why would you put your child in control
of how much sleep he gets? When we fail to provide a base of security, our
children are unable to progress to freedom and self –esteem, and eventually
balance.
So, decide that you, the parent, are in
the control of bedtime. Observe your child to determine how much sleep he
needs, as there is quite a bit of variance from child to child. Determine
what time he needs to awake in the morning and then do the math to figure
out what time bedtime needs to be (do not permit later bedtimes on the
weekends, as this confuses the child and disrupts healthy sleep patterns).
Lastly, continually re-evaluate your child’s sleep needs. He will need more
or less sleep at different stages in growth. My daughter requires an extra
hour of sleep when she is in school , because she uses so much more energy
at school than at home.
Step 3:
Establish a routine!
The final step is to establish a
bedtime routine. I do not use the word schedule purposefully, because I am
not suggesting that specific events happen at exactly the same time every
night. A schedule suggests that if bath is at 6pm and bedtime stories is at
6:30pm and we are busy some night until 6:30pm then we skip bath and go
straight to bedtime stories. What is important about your bedtime routine
is that the same events happen each night in the same order. Many parents
think of bedtime as that 15 minutes it takes to tuck your children into bed
and turn out the light. These same parents do not understand why their
little darlings take so long to settle down in their beds before falling
asleep.
A bedtime routine needs to have
several components, but each component can be very small. The bedtime
routine at our house consists of the following: Non-TV playtime with mommy
and/or daddy (This can be almost anything that allows our children to have
quality time with us, such as dancing to music, coloring, homework, or
puzzles. We do allow TV watching at least 1 hour before bedtime, because it
is a stimulate for most children.), Bath (which continues the quality time
spent with mommy and/or daddy), Pajamas, Brushing Teeth & Hair, Choosing
books for bedtime stories, Reading bedtime stories (at this point we are in
the bedroom with the door closed to shut out other distractions), Prayers (a
nice way to express your love for your children is to let them hear you pray
with and for them), Hugs & Kisses, Lights out & good night. Although they
may seem like very small events, pajamas and brushing teeth & hair are
always done in the exact same order. Even my 1 year old knows when she is
supposed to brush her teeth, and she gets excited about it.
The routine at our house can take as
long as 90 minutes, during which time I do not answer the phone or the
door. I am very clear with friends and family that I am not available
during bedtime each night. This shows my children that I value them and the
special time I spend with them, which is a great note on which to go to
sleep at night. If we are very busy or if we are running late, we still do
the routine, but we shorten it. We can get through the whole routine in
just 30 minutes if necessary. This helps our children transition from their
daily activities into sleep, especially when they have had a particularly
busy day. Routine is a fundamental factor in giving our children security.
Last Mother’s Day, my oldest daughter drew a beautiful picture of the two
of us and instructed her teacher to write at the bottom, “I love my mom,
because she does the same thing for me every night.”
The Exceptions
I
strongly recommend trying to follow your bedtime routine and stick to your
established bedtime as much as possible. However, we all live in the real
world where the unexpected can happen. You can minimize how often your
routine and bedtime are disrupted when you truly accept steps 1 & 2. If you
truly believe that quality sleep is essential to your child’s health and
also that you are in control of the bedtime, then you will guard it against
anyone or anything that attempts to disrupt this important part of your and
your child’s life. There are some events that my children miss because they
are too late in the evening, but I consider their sleep more important than
most of these activities.
When
occasions do arise that require flexibility with bedtime, some simple
planning can help. One year I wanted my children to attend a 4th
of July celebration, which would mean they would be awake up to 2 hours
later than bedtime. For an entire week before the special event, I
gradually moved bedtime later. The day of the event, I made sure the day
was restful by planning relaxing and low-key activities. But I was not done
once the 4th of July had passed! I also made sure the day after
the event was restful and not full of busy activities. I then moved bedtime
back to the regular hour gradually over about 3 days. It required time and
work on my part, but it was worth it when I was able to share this special
event with my well-rested and thus well-behaved and happy children.
The ValueCentered Sleeper
“The
process of falling asleep unassisted is a skill…[and] after three or four
months of age, all children can begin to learn to sleep well.” (Healthy
Sleep Habits, Happy Child, Dr. Marc Wiessbluth, MD). Children who are
taught to fall asleep unassisted and also to self-sooth and put themselves
back to sleep if they awake in the night develop feelings of security,
freedom, self-esteem and balance. Such children feel secure in all areas of
their life as they are well-rested for whatever challenges come their way.
They are more likely to venture outside of their comfort zone in learning
situations, and consequently build self-esteem as they encounter success
repeatedly. Eventually these young children grow into older children,
teens, and adults who value and enjoy sleep and possess the skills necessary
to obtain all the healthy sleep needed throughout their lives, so that they
achieve balance between all the many demanding aspects of the world in which
we live. |
