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Structure vs. Schedule
Helping Your Children Obtain a ValueCentered Life
by Amy Edwards
The basic premise of ValueCentered Living is that certain
values--security, freedom, self-esteem, and balance-- govern the choices
a person makes. This same principle can easily be applied to the development
of children. Understanding
how this principle works and how children develop each of these values
can enrich both your life as a parent as well as the lives of your
children. Each value only
develops after the preceding value is successfully developed, so it is
important to help your children gain each value systematically.
One way in which to help children develop each of these values is
to first help your infant gain security by implementing a structure or
routine into his/her life.
Many parenting books currently rebuke the whole idea of a
schedule, condemning the clock and advocating on-demand feedings and
immediate responses to your baby's needs.
Unfortunately this system does not, in the end, help your child
develop freedom, balance, or self-esteem, because it does not create
security in your infant. With
this system, you are essentially putting a small infant, who does not
yet comprehend day and night and is overwhelmed by the world in general,
in charge of his life. This
system also reeks havoc on your life as a parent and usually creates
desperately over-tired and stressed adults.
Many parents attempting this regime often fall into the trap of
misinterpreting their baby's needs and thus not meeting them at all.
For example, many parents interpret their baby's ever-present
desire to suckle as a cry for food.
They then overfeed their infants, which can actually cause more
fussiness and even contribute to colic.
However, using a schedule
can be just as disastrous, making the parent a slave to the clock and
creating insecurity in an infant when his/her needs are not met.
Using a structure or routine is not the same as a schedule.
With a schedule, your baby's day is based on the clock.
Babies need more flexibility than the clock will allow since they
are changing almost daily. Babies do, however, need predictability, which is what a
structure or routine can provide. With
a basic structure in place, your baby quickly learns what to expect in
her daily life and then develops security in her world and trust in you
as her parent. Building on
her well-developed security, your child will eventually develop freedom,
balance, and self-esteem.
Tracy Hogg, the acclaimed
"Baby Whispeer", suggests a routine of eating, activity, and
sleep. This means that you
routinely feed your baby, then allow him a little time for activity
(playing, diaper changing, bath, etc.), and then allow him to sleep.
Your baby will quickly learn the pattern and become more secure
as he learns that he can predict what will happen to him next.
This also helps parents to better meet the needs of their baby,
because her needs become clearer. For
instance, if you fed your baby 2 hours ago and she is now playing but
starts to fuss, you can quickly rule out hunger and address her need for
a change of scenery or her need for quiet due to over stimulation.
As parents use less guesswork and the baby's needs are met more
quickly, she gains more security, which makes for a happier baby overall;
one
who is more willing to venture out into the world.
Although you don't want to
be ruled by the clock, it is important that parents keep a general eye
on the time, especially as babies become toddlers and young children.
You, as the parent want to keep meals, naps, and bedtime close to
the same time each day so that your baby's internal clock can adjust,
but it's fine if those times change slightly from day to day due to
baby's needs. Remember that
your baby comes into this world with no concept of day and night.
Sleeping primarily at night rather than all day is a learned
behavior, and it is the parents' responsibility to teach that behavior
to the baby.
This principle can be
employed even if your child is no longer an infant.
However, be prepared for your toddler or older child to require
more time to adjust to this new pattern.
Remember, children crave what is familiar.
Therefore, if lack of structure is the norm, then it may take
some time for your child to feel secure in a structured environment.
It is very important to not mistake familiarity with security.
There may be some initial resistance, but your child will be
happier in the end. There
truly is no such animal as a child, especially not an infant, who
"likes" continually loud noise, chaos, or unpredictability.
This system can also be
applied to more specific routines, such as bedtime rituals. Babies, as
well as older children and even adults, need time to wind down from the
activities of the day. Creating
a bedtime routine with several steps, such as bath, stories, lullaby,
and then sleep make the transition from daily activities to sleep
smoother.
The
best part of all is that establishing structure and routines creates
happier parents, since less energy and less trial and error is used in
an attempt to care for your baby. When
used with toddlers, this system will also create fewer power struggles
between you and your child. Parents,
not just children, will thrive as their lives become more predictable. As your child gains security, he is more willing and able to
play by himself and to self-sooth and even go to sleep without constant
holding or rocking. This
grants parents more free time for themselves, so that they can get more
rest and accomplish more of their own tasks, thus reducing stress.
In the end this will create a happier family life overall and
help all members of the family live a ValueCentered Life.
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