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by Amy Edwards
As a parent I’m sure you’ve spent hours
observing your little angel, thinking how lucky you are, how sweet she is.
And then it happens. She does something obnoxious or at the least
embarrassing, and you think, “Where did she learn that?!” I’ve heard many
parents, myself included, declare that they have no idea where rude or
aggressive or anti-social behavior comes from in their little darlings.
Well, take a good look in the mirror. And take a look around your family
and your house and anywhere else your child spends a significant amount of
time. Children are very clear reflections of what goes on in their families
and in their lives.
Decide now
how you want your children to behave,
think, and treat others,
and then show them how to do it.
Children come into this world expecting to
be loved and cared for. They develop a bond with parents unlike any other
bond they will share with another human. Whether they admit it or not,
their actions are driven by a deep desire to gain parental approval or, when
that seems unobtainable, they will settle for attention. William Pieper,
M.D. and Martha Pieper, PH.D state in their book Smart Love, “…your
newborn is not an undifferentiated blob who is aware only of himself…when
your baby meets you he is an optimist with regard to human
relationships…infants are absolutely certain that whatever happens to them
is for the best, because their beloved parents have caused or intended
whatever happens. Your brand-new baby believes both that he is engaging
your love, and also that the care he receives is ideal.”
Now, children absolutely come into this world with their own personalities,
so I am not arguing that you have a blank slate with which to work.
Neither am I referring to age appropriate behavior, such as children under 3
years being territorial of toys and people, when I refer to “obnoxious”
behavior. We, as parents must get acquainted with each of our
children. Respect them as individuals and learn where they’re coming
from. However there are some basic aspects to human nature that apply
to everyone. As the Value-Centered Tree of Knowledge
demonstrates, each of us seeks security, freedom, self-esteem, and
eventually balance in our lives.
For children security often means seeking
out what is familiar or “how does my family do it”. Children do not know
whether they have been lucky enough to have arrived in a healthy, nurturing
family or a dysfunctional and destructive family. They assume that their
family is the model family; that all families function as their family
functions. Therefore, if a child experiences and observes love, kindness,
and mutual respect within his family, then that child will grow to treat
others in the same way. If, however, a child experiences and/or observes
periods of neglect, rudeness, or even meanness, he will treat others with
suspicion and the same rudeness and meanness that he has experienced or
observed. This second scenario is especially dangerous, because a child
does not have to experience these negative characteristics directly. He can
learn them simply by observing them within his family. For example, if
everyone in the family is loving and kind when directly interacting with the
baby, but when dealing with one another, they yell, behave rudely or even
meanly, that child learns that is the appropriate way to behave in a family
and in close relationships. Thus that baby will get a little older and when
feeling threatened or frustrated, she will be quick to yell or strike out
physically at those around her.
My husband and I never directly told our
daughter to say “please” and “thank you”, but by the age of 2 years she was
using those words constantly. People would compliment us on how polite she
was and ask how we taught her to do that. Well, my husband and I always say
“please” and “thank you” when dealing with each other and with her. On the
other hand, we never told her to yell across the house when she needed
something. In fact we went to great lengths to explain that was not
acceptable and she needed to come into whatever room we were in and ask in a
polite and quiet voice. No matter how many times we repeated these
instructions she never seemed to catch on. Then one year for Christmas my
parents gave us intercoms. It was a great gift, but not one we had
expressed a need or desire to receive. My mom explained that she just
thought we could use them since we (my husband and I) always seemed to be
yelling across the house to one another. Wow. That’s one of those moments
that makes you feel pretty dumb.
Many parents can relate to embarrassing
moments when your child was learning to talk and started picking up words
and phrases used most often in your family. It’s extremely revealing when
those sweet little babies turn into babbling toddlers! Bill Cosby did a
very funny routine about just that in which he explains that parents sound
like idiots because they have to censor themselves to the point where they
can’t complete a sentence. Although I laugh heartily every time I watch
this particular routine, it is a sad realization if half of our vocabulary
as adults is not something we would want our children repeating.
Siblings are a great gift you can give your
child. What a wonderful opportunity for them to learn about relationships,
about love, trust, kindness, forgiveness, and respect. We have an
obligation as their parents and their role models to teach them how to treat
each other. When the new baby arrives, our older children do not magically
know how to treat this little creature. As they grow, they do not
automatically know how to resolve all conflicts. Children are very capable
of working out many problems on their own and can gain a tremendous amount
of security, freedom, and self-esteem by engaging in such exercises.
However, parents must first provide the foundation and ground rules.
First, children must observe the parents
and other adult family members treating the new baby with love, kindness,
and respect. They in turn will most likely follow suit. They will catch on
even more quickly if they have already established their own security from
loving and kind parents. As the children grow, there will definitely be
jealousy and disputes. There is no need for parents to get involved in
every little problem between their children. However it is extremely
important for parents to interfere and correct any behavior that is rude,
mean, or disrespectful. Failure to do so teaches the children that such
behavior is acceptable within their family. Soon that behavior will spread
to include friends and children at school. Suddenly you have a child who
can’t seem to make friends, and many parents honestly wonder why. When a
parent sits in the same room with siblings and observes one child behaving
in a rude or disrespectful manner toward a sibling but does nothing to
indicate an objection to that behavior, it sends a very destructive message
to both children. The child behaving meanly learns that mom or dad are ok
with this, so when she is feeling upset or jealous, it’s just fine to take
it out on her sibling. The child who is the victim learns that it is
acceptable to her parents that she be treated in a way that causes her pain,
which creates big problems in the security and self-esteem of that child.
If your child is demonstrating a behavior
you consider unacceptable try asking these questions:
Is this
simply an age appropriate behavior
that
reflects a developmental phase that will change with time?
First task: learn about children: you really need to
do this. Even the self-help section in a super market can provide
assistance. Learn that children under 3 cannot be expected to actively
engage each other when playing. They engage in what child psychologists
call “parallel play” which refers to the fact that they play side by side,
but not truly with each other. This is not evidence that your child is
“unfriendly”, so don’t attempt to force interaction. If you are truly
worried whether your child’s behavior is age appropriate, I highly recommend
consulting a psychologist..
Where did
she observe this behavior?
Take a close and honest look at yourself and your
family. Did she learn this at home? Is there anything familiar about it?
Her behavior does not have to exactly mimic family behavior, as children
make immature leaps of logic given the input they receive. For example, you
may model something perfectly when dealing directly with her, such as
language you use, but does she hear you on the phone with your friends using
inappropriate language.
If you are sure she did not pick this up at home or
within your family, you may want to look to school or friends. The good
news about behavior learned at school or from friends is that your children
value you much more than they value their relationships at school. If she
has picked something undesirable up at school, the easiest course of action
is probably to express your disapproval of that behavior, (very calmly and
with carefully managed emotion), point out that “our family does not do
that”, and then ignore the unacceptable behavior. This usually takes care
of it. If not, you may want to address it with a teacher or another parent,
or take a closer look at your own home and family once again.
How can I
model the behavior I desire in my children?
Reflect on ways in which you can model appropriate
behavior. This is a great opportunity for you to improve yourself as well
as your child. That is one of the wonderful blessings of having children.
They are your teachers as well as your students.
Amy Edwards
has a degree in Literature from the University of California, San Diego, and
a minor in Sociology of Early Childhood Education. She also completed
graduate work in the Teacher Education Program in Elementary Education at
UCSD. She has taught at the elementary school level as well as the high
school and university levels. She developed and implemented SAT preparation
methods for under-represented high school students through the A.V.I.D.
program.
She is the
mother of two daughters, Gabriella and Madeline. |
